Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Keeping Sex Fun While Trying to Get Pregnant

Is it possible to keep sex fun when you're trying to get pregnant? Obviously the answer is going to be different for everyone. And for some people the answer may honestly be no, I can't have fun; I'm busy peeing on sticks, updating my fertility blog, and tracking my temperature, I'm way too stressed out. Regardless of where you find yourself on the fun-to-frantic continuum, if you are trying to get pregnant with a partner, here are some tips on having good sex while trying to get pregnant.

Remember where you came from.

If you're trying to get pregnant with a partner, you probably love each other and there was almost certainly a time when you were so hot for each other it hurt. Take a few minutes when you are alone to write down some of the things you found sexiest about your partner. It may have been how he looked, something he did in bed, the way he talks or moves. Come up with at least three things and then write them out, and put them in a note for your partner.

Have sex when you want it, not just when it's time.

If you're trying to time the sex you have to your cycle you may feel as if you can only have sex when it's time, as if having sex at other times is a waste. This is a trap to avoid. Your sex drive isn't like a gas tank (you don't get a full tank at the beginning of each month that runs out as you use it), and in fact, having satisfying sex when you know it won't result in pregnancy can enhance the timed sex you feel you have to have. Remember too, thatmasturbation in a relationship is not only allowed, it's healthy, and if one of you feels like it and the other doesn’t, satisfaction is only a solipsistic moment away.

Do other kinds of sexual things together.

If you and your partner's only sexual connection is taking place during sex timed to ovulation, it can put a serious drain on your sexual relationship, and have negative repercussions to the relationship as a whole. Make sure you do other things together that are sensual or sexual, but don’t include having full on sex. Give each other a massage (or, if budget allows, get massages together), snuggle or otherwise take time for intimate physical contact, remember to talk and be loving to each other in the moments you can.

Bring out the sex toys.

If you haven’t explored sex toys before, now may be a good time to start. Sex toys can add some much needed silliness to the proceedings (when sex is timed to ovulation it can become very serious and seriously un-erotic). Sex toys can also add extra physical stimulation, which can be helpful when you have a short window for sex. A vibrator can't "make" you feel something you aren't up for feeling, but if even a part of you is aroused, something like a Hitachi Magic Wand can go a long way, in a short time.

Be smart, use lube.

Lubricant is a great way to keep sex slick and sensitive. If you're feeling stressed or anxious about sex because you are timing it to ovulation or because you think it "isn't working" it can have an impact on natural lubrication. Any supplements or medications you may be taking that effect hormones could also impact lubrication. Vaginal dryness is a major cause of sexual problems, and adding a lubricant is an easy and effective fix. One important caution: almost all commercial lubricants can harm sperm. If you already have obstacles to fertility, consider using Pre-Seed, the only lubricant designed not to harm sperm.

Unleash the sexual fantasies.

Many couples feel like sexual fantasies represent a betrayal, that thinking about someone or something else other than your partner is a form of psychological cheating. When sex becomes work (which is how sex to get pregnant can feel at times) it is time to throw out the rule book and use what works, and what often works is a healthy dose of sexual fantasy. Authors Anne Semans and Cathy Winks recommend in their book The Mother’s Guide to Sex tying the fantasy to the task at hand, and pretending you and your partner are porn stars, and the director has called "action," so it's time to perform. This one may or may not work, but the point is to acknowledge that what you’re doing can seem "counter-erotic" and you both have a right to do what you need to do to get the job done.

Explore sexual variations.

On the one hand, introducing a new sexual act might not be the best idea when you're trying to get pregnant. On the flip, it might be the perfect time. The fact is that both of you are having sex timed to a schedule that is out of your control, which means that everyone is compromising. So why not take the opportunity to either start or finish with something else you always wanted to try? So-called "baby making sex" just means at some point there needs to be penetration and ejaculation, it doesn’t mean that’s all you can do.

Have a sense of humor.

Sex is both funny and ludicrous. We tend to take sex a bit too seriously in general, and if it's feeling like a chore because of timing, that can turn any potential joy into drudgery. When you think about it, there is something funny about spending your younger years avoiding getting pregnant and then finding yourself "forced" to have sex at certain times to make sure you do get pregnant. Obviously laughing about your situation can also help diffuse tension the two of you may be experiencing as each person feels alternately responsible and bitter about the situation.
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Sex Drive Differences in Long-Term Committed Relationships

It’s quite common for couples in long-term committed relationships to find themselves at a point where one partner wants sex more, or less, than another, often referred to as differences in sex drive. There may be many reasons for discrepancies in sex drive and finding a way through the situation often means opening up discussion about your whole relationship, not just the sex part. It also means that cookie cutter solutions offered in the form of five-step plans don’t always work. The ideas below aren’t meant as a one-size-fits-all solution, but if you and your partner have very different levels of interest in sex and you’re not sure where to start to work on the problem, you may find this information helpful in opening up new thinking about a very old and very common dilemma.

Sex Drive Reality Check

Sexual desire or sex drive isn’t a static experience. Our sex drive may change over the course of a day, week, or month, and will change many times across our lifespan. If one of you doesn’t want as much sex as the other it might be a long-term situation, but it might not.
Long-term committed relationships require negotiation and compromise and that includes sex. It’s unrealistic to think that you will get everything you want, especially if you’re expecting it all from one person.
Change is always a possibility, if not always possible. Any kind of change is possible, and people’s ability to change can be unpredictable. At the same time there is no guarantee that any amount of thinking, feeling, and talking about your relationship will result in the change you want.
Avoid quantification and comparison. No good will come from one or both of you feeling pressure to perform or measure up in a way that matches what you think other people are doing. Sexual desire is an exquisitely unique expression of our individuality, and comparisons serve no one.
It might not be the first thing you do, but at some point you’re going to have to talk with your partner about these issues. If you don’t know where to start you might want to have a look at these tips on talking with your partner about difference in sex drive.
Start with yourself. It’s easy to blame your partner for problems in your relationship without considering what role you play in developing and maintaining the problem. This is particularly true when, on the surface, one partner is asking for more sex and the other is satisfied with the amount of sex in the relationship. It’s rare that one partner in a relationship completely satisfied while the other is not. Even if you think the problems all lie with your partner, ask yourself some questions about the situation to clarify your own needs:
  • When did you become aware of a difference in sex drive?
  • Do you know how much sex you’d like to have?
  • If you’re satisfied with your sex life as it is, how do you feel when you hear your partner isn’t satisfied?
  • If you’re dissatisfied with your sex life can you describe how without talking about the quantity?
  • When you say you want sex what does that mean to you?
  • When your partner asks for sex, what is it that you imagine they are asking for?
  • Without putting all the responsibility on your partner, what do you think are some of the causes of the difference in sexual interest or desire?
These are only a few questions, but taking time for yourself to answer these can be good preparation for talking with your partner.
Talk to your partner. This one might seem obvious, but if you’ve been struggling with difference in sex drive for a while you may be at a point where you feel like you can’t talk about it anymore. When you get to that point it can often be helpful to seek out a counselor or therapist. If therapy isn’t an option and you’re feeling like you don’t know how to talk about these issues in a different way than you have in the past, you might find some ideas in these articles:
Ultimately you need to be able to communicate with your partner in a way that isn’t about blaming each other. Try to remember that you’re in this together and the reason you’re struggling (presumably) is because you want to stay together. One way to change up the dynamic is to write a letter to your partner about how you’re feeling and ask them to respond by writing you a letter. Moving from talking to writing opens up many possibilities and can shake up old patterns that you both fall into when you talk about these issues.
Find a counselor or therapist. Some issues in relationships are so complicated and touch us so deeply that having a third party, someone who is there not for one partner or the other, but for the relationship, can be incredibly helpful. While therapy isn’t financially an option for everyone, if you can access affordable couples therapy or counseling you also benefit from the experience of other couples struggles with this very common problem. You don’t need to find a sex therapist as long as it’s a therapist who works with couples and is comfortable talking about sex (many aren’t!).
Find out more about how to find counselors and therapists near you.
Finding self-help resources. There are dozens of books specifically about dealing with sex drive discrepancies in long term relationships. Often these books use the terminology of the “sexless marriage.” Finding a self-help book that works for you is always a matter of trial and error, and unless you have a limitless budget, going to the library and taking some time to flip through a few titles is a good way to get a feel for the tone of the book, what sorts of direct suggestions or help the book offers, and whether or not you feel the book is speaking to you. In my opinion the best book on this subject is Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. The book is not a step-by-step guide, but it is welcoming, easy to read, and offers the most complicated and nuanced approach for getting at what might be underneath the sex drive discrepancy that I have come across.
Explore sexual compromises. Just as you compromise with your partner on which movies you see, what you have for dinner, and maybe even where you end up living, long-term sexual relationships require sexual compromise. This doesn’t mean doing things you aren’t comfortable with, but it does mean having an open mind and being able to talk about your sexual preferences and desires honestly. Finding sexual compromise is much easier when all your sexual options are made visible. Often our sexual options seem narrow because we don’t really know what our partner desires. When we keep our desires secret it can appear as if we don’t have any, or only have the ones we are comfortable showing our partner on a regular basis. Uncomfortable though it might be, revealing our desires that we have kept hidden can be a crucial part of working through differences in sexual desire.
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What Causes Impotence and Erectile Dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction, also called impotence, is defined as a man’s inability to get an erection or maintain it long enough to have sex with a partner. For some men, impotence means they are unable to ejaculate during sex.
Erectile dysfunction or impotence happens to most men at one time or another, but studies indicate that erectile dysfunction is more common in older men, so it is often associated with the aging process in men.
Occasional impotence is often not seen as a problem, but when impotence continues for awhile, it can bring on great emotional distress for both the man and his partner.
Common Causes of Impotence or Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction can be caused by emotional problems:
  • Worry
  • Fear
  • Stress
  • Anger
  • Depression
  • Lack of interest in sex, or in the sexual partner
Erectile dysfunction can also have physical causes:
  • Reduced testosterone level, which can be treated with hormone therapy
  • A side-effect from some medications, including meds for depression, heart disease, high blood pressure and epilepsy
  • An injury to the groin, or nerve damage
  • Illnesses including kidney or heart disease, or diabetes, can cause erectile dysfunction
  • A reduction in blood flow to the penis, common in men who have hardening of the arteries
  • Overuse or abuse of drugs including alcohol, tobacco and recreational drugs
  • A possible side-effect of some medical procedures, including prostate or urinary tract surgery
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Alcohol and Risky Sex

Consider the three following situations:
You've been dating someone for six months and have been having sex since the second week of dating. Both you and your partner have talked about anal sex, but neither of you have tried it before, and you're a little shy about being the one to suggest doing it. After being out at a party for your work, and having a bit too much to drink you decide to try anal sex for the first time.
You’ve been single for over a year since a bad break up and you haven’t had sex with anyone (other than yourself). After months of failed attempts to start dating again, you decide what you really need is casual sex. On the advice of friends you go out to a bar, and after a night of drinking and dancing you go home with someone who seems hot enough.
You and your partner have been together for two and a half years. Sometimes when you’ve both been drinking, you go home and have really messy, wild sex, that’s not like the sex you have when you’re sober.
In which of these situations is it “okay” to have sex when you’re drunk? Are all of these situations examples of risky sex?
Like all sexual decisions, the decision to have sex when you’ve been drinking is one that is best made once you clearly understand the sexual risks, and have assessed the sexual risk for yourself and your partner(s). It’s easy to say you shouldn’t ever drink when you’re going to have sex, but this isn’t very realistic, and drinking small amounts of alcohol in moderation won’t necessarily have a negative effect on your sexuality.
One concern often raised about sex and alcohol is that that drinking alcohol leads to increased risky sexual behavior, like not using protection to prevent STDs, or having sex that later you regret you had.
Research does show that there is an association between alcohol consumption and having sex without condoms, but there is also research that suggests that the relationship isn’t clear cut and factors such as age of the individuals and their relationship status can influence condom use.
Clearly the relationship between alcohol and risky sex is more complicated that one might assume. But there are still some important things to consider about alcohol and risky sexual behavior:
  • For better or worse, alcohol will influence your judgments and perceptions. This seems particularly important if you are going to have sex with someone new, or have a new kind of sex with a current partner, as there will be a great deal of new information to process, and you have been drinking, the alcohol will have some influence on your decision.
  • Many of the effects of alcohol are not actually physical, but are psychological. These are called “expectancy effects” and it means that because we expect to feel more relaxed and aroused when drinking, we do. This is important because it shows that you can achieve this same sexual effect without alcohol.
  • There are both long term negative effects of alcohol on your sexuality and many short term effects if you drink too much. Even if these don’t increase the chances of having risky sex, they will reduce the pleasure you experience, and can even prevent you from having sex at all.
So what about the first three scenarios? If research tells us anything, it’s that generalizations are possible, but when it comes to specific sexual situations, each one is unique. How risky the sex you have is depends on many factors, but possibly the most important one, and the one you can control, is how aware you are of the risks. Understanding how factors like drinking alcohol impact your decision making is essential to making decisions that are in the best interest of your health.
Sources:
Norris, J., Masters, N.T., Zawacki, T. “Cognitive Mediation of Women's Sexual Decision Making: The Influence of Alcohol, Contextual Factors, and Background Variables.” Annual Review of Sex Research Volume 15. (2004): 258-297.
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